Archive for the ‘ Lawyer/Judge/Witness ’ Category

Why Do You Want A Divorce?

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!!

Materialistic Approach

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Mercedes in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver’s door of the Merc. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone and called the police.

In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Merc, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. I can’t believe how materialistic you high rolling’ lawyers are, he said. You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.

How can you say such a thing? asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.

OH MY GOD, screamed the lawyer, My Rolex!!!!

Lawyer Vs Witness (Doctor)

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:

Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Polish divorce

A Polish man moved from Poland to the US and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: Have you any grounds?

The Polish man said: Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home.

Said the lawyer: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It is made of concrete.

Lawyer: I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

Lawyer: I mean what are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland.

Lawyer: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have a hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player.

Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?

No, I am always up before her.

Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?

No, she’s white.

Lawyer: Why do you want this divorce?

She is going to kill me.

Lawyer: A  What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She is going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says: Polish Remover.

Surgeons

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”
The second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”
The third said, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”
The fourth one said, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.”
Fifth surgeon said, “I like Engineers…they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end…”