Archive for the ‘ Jokes ’ Category

Funny Faces

A Kindergarten student was sitting at his desk making funny faces at anyone that would watch.
The teacher came by and saw what he was doing and said calmly, “Billy you had better stop doing that, your face might stick that way.”
Billy stared back just as calmly and said in reply, “I guess you learned the hard way.”

Why Do You Want A Divorce?

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!!

Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading the book “Man of the House.”

He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then you’re going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

His wife replied, “The Funeral Director!”

Buy One For Me Too

One day a rich famous man went to buy a sport car from a dealership. The price of the car was $80000 and the man had only $79998 to pay.

The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be $80000.

The man came out of the store and looked around and saw a poor man begging for help. He went toward him and introduced himself and asked if he is kind enough to lend him $2.

The poor man asked the reason. He replied that he is willing to buy a car. The poor man though for a moment and gave the man $4 and said: Please buy one for me too.

Allotment of Hell

A man dies and goes to hell

The devil explains that there are three sectors in hell, and that the man gets to choose where he would like to spend eternity.
First, the man sees many people standing on their heads in fire. Their screams convince him that he does not want to be there.
Second, the man sees many people standing on their heads in ice. Their pleading eyes convince him that his cold nature could not stay there.
Third, the man sees many people standing around ankle deep in horse manure and drinking coffee.

He tells the devil that he could adjust to the smell and that he liked coffee. So the man chose the third sector for eternity.

As the door slammed shut, the man heard an announcement: “coffee break is over-everybody stand on your head!”