Archive for the ‘ General ’ Category

How Many Were There?

Being married for some time the wife began questioning her husband. “I know you’ve been with a lot of women before” she said. “How many were there?”

The husband replied, “Look, I don’t want to upset you, but there were more than a couple of women. Let’s just leave it at that.”

She continued to plead. Finally, her husband gave in. “Let’s see,” he began, “there was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine…”

Expressions On Face

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally, he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”

“I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get, and watch the expression on her face.”

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!”

Peanuts in the Pond

Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.

Judge: What were you doing?
1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.

Judge: And what were you doing?
2nd man: I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too.

Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?
3rd man: No, sir. I AM Peanuts!

First Tailor Made Suit

A young successful banker decides to get his first tailor made suit. So he visits the finest tailor in town and gets measured.

A week later he goes in for his first fitting. He puts on the suit and he looks stunning, he feels that in this suit he can really do business. As he is preening himself in front of the mirror, he reaches down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he finds that there are no pockets. He mentions this to the tailor.

“Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?” the tailor asks.
The young man answers, “Yes, I did.”
The tailor says, “Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”

Man on A Desert Island

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.

Man: “Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!”
Girl: “Hi! It seems like you’ve been here along time. How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
Man: “It’s been ten years!” With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.

Man: “Oh, thank you so much!”
Girl: “So tell me how long it’s been since you had a drink?”
Man: “It’s been ten years” The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: “Oh, thank you so much. You are like a miracle”! Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, “So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??”

The man looked at her and said excitedly: “Oh, my God, don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there too?!?!”