Teacher – Take a pencil and paper and write an essay with the title “If I were a Millionaire.”

Everyone but Johnny, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.

“What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you being?”

I’m waiting for my secretary, he replied.

Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other for the trouble in the area where they lived.

The judge called for orderly testimony.  “I’ll hear the oldest first,” he decreed.

The case was closed for lack of evidence.

• I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she’s interested in, she said: Cheque Books.
• The easiest way to make your old care run better, is to check the prices of new car.
• Maid thinks “freedom of the press” means no-ironed clothes.
• When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it’s called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it’s called an election.
• What is the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
  A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits.

The store owner listened to the following conversation.

The boy asked, “Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?”

The woman replied, “I already have someone to cut my lawn.”

“Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now.”

The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn.

The little boy found more perseverance and offered, “Lady, I’ll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of North Palm Beach, Florida.”

Again the woman answered in the negative. With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver.

The druggist, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy and said,”Son… I like your attitude, I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job.”

The little boy replied, “No thanks ! I was just checking on the job I already have!”

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!”

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”