Archive for the ‘ Husband and Wife ’ Category

Why Do You Want A Divorce?

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!!

Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading the book “Man of the House.”

He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then you’re going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

His wife replied, “The Funeral Director!”

Never Judge Too Quickly

A 24 years boy seeing out from a train window, shouted… “Dad , look at the trees, they are going behind!!” …
Dad smiled.
A young couple sitting nearby to him, looked at the 24 year olds childish behavior with pity.
Suddenly he shouted again saying … “Dad, look at the clouds, they are running with us, amazing!!”
The couple Couldn’t resist any more and said to the old man: His behavior is very strange, why don’t you take him to a doctor?
The old man smiled & said… “I did, in fact we are just coming back from hospital, my son was blind from birth, he just got his eyes today!!!”.

Never judge too quickly! Because what you think may not always be the truth..!

Blondes Are Dumb?

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’

‘It depends,’ I replied.

‘What does it say on your shirt?’ He yelled back,

‘University of Oklahoma.’ And they say blondes are dumb…

Embarrassment

After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets.

A quick search in the meeting room… it wasn’t there.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is, the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. Immediately I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, car number and description of the place where I parked etc. I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband!!!

“Honey,” I stammered; I always call him “honey” in times like these.

“I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.

“There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.

“Idiot”, he shouted, “I dropped you at the hotel !”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

He shouted again, “I will, as soon as I manage to convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car.”