A team of researchers believe they have identified the 50 best one-liners.  Researchers scoured the web and examined more than 1000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 on which 36000 people voted.

1. A women get on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go up there and tell him off. Go on I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
2. I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.
3. Dyslexic man walks into a bra…
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.  The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.  She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.  The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.  Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut-up… you’re next!”
5. I said to the gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.  They charged one – and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married.  The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’.  He said, “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’ I asked. ‘It’s not unusual,” he replied.
9. I’m on a whiskey diet.  I’ve lost three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”

One day little Johny says to his father:

I want to get married.

Father: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind?
Johny: Yes , Grandma
Father: What? There is a problem now, you want to marry my Mother?
Johny: Why not? You married my mother

……………..

Little Johnny: Can I go to the toilet?

Teacher: Johhny, MAY I go to the toilet?

Little Johnny: But I asked first!

……………..

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. “We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota.”
The teacher asked, “Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?”
Little Johnny said, “Actually, we went to Ohio.”

……………..

“Johnny, did your Mother help you with your homework last night?” the teacher asked.

“No, she did it all,” Little Johnny replied.

……………..

“Dad,” said Little Johnny, “I’m late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?”

Little Johnny’s father said irately, “Son, it just wouldn’t be right.”

“That’s okay,” replied Little Johnny “At least you could try, right?”

……………..

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

Little Johnny: One dollar.

Teacher(sadly): You don’t know your arithmetic.

Little Johnny (sadly): You don’t know my father

……………..

Teacher: “Hello boys, Remember!!! Nothing is impossible.”

Little Johnny: “OK sir, could you please squeeze out all the toothpaste and put back it into the tube again.”

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it’s made a big difference for me.”

“That’s great! What was the name of that clinic?” Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?”

“You mean a rose?”

“Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife. “Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”

“What time does the library open?” the man on the phone asked.
“Nine A.M.” came the reply. “And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?”

“Not until nine A.M.?” the man asked in a disappointed voice.

“No, not till nine A.M.!” the librarian said. “Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?”

“Who said I wanted to get in?” the man sighed sadly. “I want to get out.”

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,” Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike — Mike.”

“Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Mike — it’s me, Joe.”

“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.”

“Joe! Where are you?”

In heaven, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.

The good news, Joe says, “is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”

That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?

You’re in the team for this Saturday!!!